I hope this title doesn't offend any genuine sufferers of Bipolar Disorder, but this is truly how I feel. One minute I'm feeling strong, able to conquer anything, and taking on the world...the next, I am driving down the street wondering what it would feel like to not put my foot on the break and drive into traffic without a care in the world. I cry unannounced by myself. I blow up at my husband. I honk at the lady in front of me in the starbucks drive through for chatting too long with the window cashier.
And then I am fine again.
But not really. Babies crying in Target, pregnant women everywhere, invading my universe...they make me feel like I'm suffocating. IT IS JUST NOT FAIR.
I feel like there is no way I will ever get and stay pregnant, yet it is all I can cling to and look to for my peace. My cycles are 35 days long...the one time I get pregnant is on a 28 day cycle. What are my chances of that happening again? I reeally think there is something to that subfertile long cycle theory.
I bought myself a Maternity top today. Maybe that will convince my body and mind that it's time. Hey, there's a really cute top in that closet just waiting to meet a belly. Just say the word. Strangely, it comforted me. Gives me something tangible to look at and keep my little burning hope flame alive.
There just doesn't seem to be a book for me In This Moment of my life...after a miscarriage, after trying for a year, not really diagnosed, with no good reason for not being pregnant. I need hope, something to give me reason to think it will happen.
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5 comments:
I hope it does happen for you real soon.
The thing that tells me that it's going to happen one day? The number of bloggers I have moved from the 'trying' category in my blog reader to the 'pregnant' category. Seriously, it's staggering. I have almost as many blogs in the second category as in the first, and they are all people who have gotten pregnant since I started reading IF blogs late last year. That definitely gives me hope.
I often feel a little bipolar, too. I am fine and then I feel broken. I also have long cycles and no actual diagnosis, except one brief mention of "polycystic tendencies" by an RE. It is all very frustrating.
I got pregnant with CD 26 ovulation. Sure, that one didn't last, but there are bloggers who have real live children that have resulted from very late ovulation. It doesn't happen as easily, but it happens.
We just have to keep plugging away, right?
I'm so SO sorry. I know that suffocating feeling. Esp after AF comes it can be so easy to feel one thing one minute, and another thing the next.
*hugs*
I do not have the first clue of what it's like to go through what you have been through but I do know that never-ending feeling of despair and hopelessness. The good news is that it is not never-ending. A day will come soon and you'll be back on track.
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