Feeling Crappy

After a lovely, 15 day ovulation despite halving my metformin dosage, perfect BD timing and a lovely temp spike, I experienced the one thing that can throw me into my dark place this time of my cycle.

You guessed it. The S word.

First, it was 1 DPO, and in the morning I had red spotting. Frantic googling assured me that it was probably just Ovulatory Spotting, nothing to worry about. I cautiously believed Dr. Google. then, for the next three days I had pink spotting in the morning. NOT GOOD. My temperature is rising perfectly, but this luteal phase spotting crap is making me think I have LPD and no chance of conceiving this cycle.

ALL I WANT IS A FREAKING CHANCE! Can't I have a little hope in my two week wait? Just a shred of hope that I am normal, and capable of building up a decent lining to nourish an embryo already.

I had a minor breakdown last night. This is no way to exist- Month after month, hoping, worrying, and then crashing deep into depression and self loathing.

Now that I have been trying to get pregnant for a year, I am experiencing what many of you have written of- People that are very pregnant, about to deliver, that got pregnant after I had been trying for months. Remember my friend that told me she was pregnant, and hoped that we could be pregnant together? Yeah. She's due in two weeks. Another friend is due in a month and a half. And Crazy Mother In Law to my Little Bro is due in five months- I know, it's a ways off, but I can't help but think she'll have her baby before I have even entered the ring.

They suffocate me. All Bellies, all smiles. All hopes and nursery planning and contented faces.

This morning, I got a glucose fasting, LH and FSH blood test taken. Hopefully the glucose test will give me some insight into whether or not I have PCOS and need to continue metformin.

I ordered a book from Amazon called, "The Infertility Cure". It is a very interesting look into Eastern Medicine for Reproductive health. There is a questioniare you fill out, checking off symptoms you experience, and it tells you what area of your body you are deficiant in. I was kind of amazed when my "cold feet at night", "low energy after a meal" and the nature of my PMS cramps led me right to Spleen and Kidney defficiancy, and then I flipped to Luteal Phase Defect and it said women suffering from this usually have Spleen and Kidney defficiancy! Wow.
It's not completely against Western Medicine, and it actually said that women with my particular profile tend to respond favorably to Clomid. So, I guess that's my next option. I still want to try some of the herbs it recommended, since that is much more up my alley.

That's all for now. I'm trying to be proactive and busy, instead of hopeless. Monday I will get my progesterone level tested.

I really hope I have seen the last of pink toilet paper. Get thick, lining! Do your freaking job and stop being such a party pooper.