After my initial optimisim this month, I came crashing down with spotting 2 dpo and 4dpo. Since I miscarried, Each episode of inexplained bleeding makes me feel hopeless and broken. How can I carry a pregnancy when my hormones won't cooperate! I DON'T WANT TO BLEED. It scares the crap out of me, even when I'm not pregnant, because it signifies that something is wrong.
Very, very wrong.
I had a breakdown last night. Full blown, on the bathroom crying at midnight. The sad mood started earlier that day, with 38 year old friend that I've mentioned before giving me a call. You may remember her from my post a few months ago about her accidental pregnancy and subsequent loss, her insensitivity and ignorant attitude towards trying to conceive, and the fact that she has a 20 year old daughter (who is married to my little brother) and a 16 year old daughter.
Moving on.
After the miscarriage, she tried for 3 months, and now she's pregnant. 6 weeks. She called me to tell me that, and to ask me where a baby shower is being held for a mutual acquantance. NICE. As if that is not bad enough, (couldn't you call someone else for that information? Not the 24 year old trying to conceive for a year who just miscarried two months ago?) She went on to say that she JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHY IT TOOK HER SO LONG TO GET PREGNANT. After all, she got pregnant accidentally with the miscarriage! Why did she have to try for 3 months?!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are 38. Getting pregnant after trying for three months should feel like winning the lottery. You have no idea what kinda eggs you got in there. Count your lucky stars, and don't call me, of all people, to muse over your bad luck.
No one's pregnancy announcement has ever made me cry. But it did, on and off all day. And then I had to go to Target to buy some effing baby shower present for that effing baby shower this weekend.
Then, at 11:30.....Spotting.
I am creeping dangerously close to some serious depression. I feel completely inadequate, defeated, spent. I feel like I am an elephant trying desperately to be a giraffe. What makes me think I will ever be a mother?
It's just not in the works for me. I am someone who spots, for no reason, at 4 days past ovulation. My hormones and this worthless body don't want me to have this.
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3 comments:
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you're down. It just sucks that this has to be so hard for some of us, while it seems to come so easily to others. But hang in there. I know it can seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but I have to believe that things will work out somehow (even if we can't see how from our current place). Thinking of you.
Arg!!! That's as bad as my friend, the mother of 3 who had 2 accidental pregnancies first, then had to try for MONTHS to have #3 - Oh, how horrible! Those always sting extra hard.
I do think that after a miscarriage you see all blood as failure. I hope your spotting stops. You deserve to keep your optimism!
A friend of mine decided a few months ago that she wanted to try for her 3rd child. A month later she tells me she's pregnant. I cried at work. It still hurts each time I hear someone is pregnant. Until I have a child, that feeling will never go away. I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy and hope you feel better soon.
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